|Baby Mik, during my treatment for cancer – the spiky hair was caused by the chemo!|
Today has been a good day. This morning I had an appointment with a surgeon, who gave me the great news that I don’t have cancer! “What’s this?” I hear you say. Yes, for the past few years have been suffering the joys of undergoing a series of tests to find out if I had the big C. I don’t want to go into what the symptoms were that gave rise to this need to check whether the disease that I beat as child had reared it’s ugly head again, but anyone out there who has had Mr Cancer come to stay in the hotel that is their body will know that from the moment you are given the all clear and Mr C has been evicted, you live with the fear that this unwanted guest may return at some point in the future.
The bastard thing about cancer is that you are never told “You’re cured”. Instead you are in remission, and even though I was given that news so long ago (41 years ago when I was only 5) that I don’t remember it happening the fact that the disease that is so feared by everyone might come back haunts my every waking hour… and some times my dreams too. I am sure this is the same for other members of the cancer survivors club. Every time you feel ill or have a strange pain you become terrified that the cancer is back. I know I have spent my adult life thinking that any cough, twinge or cramp is the first sign of another battle with my bodies inability to reproduce it’s cells. I must admit that it has made me a bit of a hypochondriac, if a quiet one. No, instead of vocalizing my worries I quietly pop off to the GP’s and get myself checked out. Of course the fact that I have beaten cancer already tends to make them panic a little too and the tests start over again.
The annoying thing for me is that every time I have a major issue with my health, such as my spinal collapse when I was 15 or my recent spinal hassles after my car accident in 1999, my surgical team get really panicky and send me off for a series of “routine” tests, as if I don’t know what is going on. Nothing sets off alarm bells like surgeons being secretive. When I was 15 I was actually told that my cancer had returned and I was going to die. After spending 24 hours laying in bed thinking of all the things I’d never get to do, my chief surgeon popped by to tell me there’d been a mistake and I didn’t have a tumour. I know that this experience really effected the person I became and made me enjoy my life, but it also forced me to face what it might feel like if the cancer ever did return. So every time I get the feeling that something is wrong, I relive that day. Of course I do it alone, as admitting what is going on would be admitting weakness would it?
I am so obsessed with keeping my fears quiet that even my lovely wife didn’t appreciate my feelings and so as I sat waiting to get the results this morning I ended up snapping at her about why I was so grumpy recently. This is why I am writing this. I feel so crappy about being Mr Grumpy that I felt I should put out there the feelings that I am sure many other cancer survivors carry with them, and tell the world that those of us who have beat the C can, on occasion, be right moody. I know that over the last few years, and many other times in the past, I have been a right unbearable git on and off. Short tempered with a short fuse. At the minute I am rehearsing for a role in the Paralympic opening ceremonies and I have not been the joy to work with I would have hoped to have been. Of course everyone would totally understand if only I told them what was going on, but that is just not part of the process. Not only does anyone hate the idea of being thought of as ill or weak, but it’s especially difficult if you still don’t know what tomorrow might bring. It’s just you have that “feeling” that something is wrong and everything else seems to get on your nerves. You really are forced to appreciate your mortality way too regularly and this makes everything that impacts on your life unacceptable. Thus your ability to cope and patience disappears. All that happens is you annoy everyone around you and come across as a totally f**k head.
So with today’s news I feel I should apologise to my wife and anyone else who has been at the sharp end of my moodiness through out my life. It might sound like an excuse, but I know that I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders today and I hope to be a happier, smilier person from now on. Well as happy and smiley as a git like me can be. I hope you can forgive me if I did have my grumpy hat on in the past? I promise to try harder next time I get the fear, but don’t hate me if I don’t manage it. My past track record doesn’t give much hope I feel.
To anyone else out there who is going through this at the minute, whether you are waiting for results or know someone who is, I wish you well.